I Am Ashamed…

I am ASHAMED to say that last night I was so desperate for a sugar fix that when I saw Jake’s chewable gummy bear vitamins, my eyes glazed over, for one second I thought they were the real thing and was tempted to eat the entire jar.
I am ASHAMED  to say that I left Evy’s antibiotics out of the refrigerator for an entire night. You know, the Amoxicillin, the kind you have to keep refrigerated? Well, I’m very embarrased to report that after her eve dose on Thursday I forgot to put it back and had to call the dr to get an brand new bottle.
I am ASHAMED to say that my curtains in my bedroom are falling off the rod, and instead of taking the five minutes it would require to fix them, I just keep pulling them tighter shut and tucking them in so no one can see them.
I am ASHAMED to say that the last couple of weeks my family has been eating more mac n cheese than they have eaten in their entire life.
I am ASHAMED to say that my husband has been sick with the same cold for four weeks and I have lost complete sympathy for him. When he coughs {more like gags} I don’t even notice anymore and I feel like poop when he asks if I care if he is dying. I felt especially bad when I watched him cough so hard last night that he evidently popped a rib out of place, and I just kept typing away on the computer {true story}. I guess my compassion level has severely shrunk since giving birth to Evy practically naturally.
I am ASHAMED to say that I recieved a letter from a collection agency for -get this- $38.19. Apparently this once overly cautious, on top if it bookeeper overlooked that particular bill and now I am being harrassed. Amazing.
WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME?!?
Maybe its me, but it seems as I get older {and the more kids I have, ha!}, I find myself changing. Some of it is good, some is bad, and some of it doesn’t matter either way, but the areas I used to be stressed out about- those things don’t seem to matter anymore. And its those things I didn’t care all that much about are becoming more important.
I talked a little about the seasons of life in this post. For some reason I can’t stop thinking about it. But I also seem to be thinking more about myself, and who I am today and who I want to become in the future. I’m remembering that person, who was a bit “perfect” and is now so not. I think about the little box of a life that I created for myself {and worked so hard to live in}when I was single, newly married, in my twenties, no kids, etc., and I wonder where that person went.
But you know, despite the fact that I do a lot of things that I previously would have been embarrassed about, I actually think I am a better person. I think I am REAL. I mean let’s be honest, after talking to many different moms, I find that I live like the majority of young mothers who have kids running wild through the house all day. We are all struggling to find our place, our niche. We are all trying to make ends meet, because whether we stay home or not, money tends to be tight from time to time. We all struggle. We all have to come to grips with the fact that WE ARE NOT IN CONTROL.
Wow.
So God, I hope you have fun changing me. I am ok with it, Lord. I want to be who YOU want me to be. And if you have to mold me a little differently than before, or humble me a couple times by making my life “not perfect”….it just fine by me. I know ultimately whatever you have for me will be right and PERFECT, but it won’t be done by my hands, it will be done by the most perfect hands, YOURS.
“…can I not do to you as this potter has done to his clay? As the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are you in my hand.” Jeremiah 18:6
And of course, since I HAVE to have pictures, ha!….
While I was writing this post, I kept thinking about the “young Amy”. The one who worked so hard to be perfect. These pictures of me on our honeymoon to Disneyworld kept coming to my mind. Mainly because I was so excited to ride the Buzz Lightyear ride, was posing in front of that silly giant troll and wearing that little viking hat… things that previously, before my marriage, I would not have taken time to do or even care that much about. I see now that way back then, God was changing me…. showing me that life is about enjoying the journey, not about how perfect that journey is. 🙂
But really, God, could I be skinny like that again? Pretty please?!? UGH.
xoxox
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8 thoughts on “I Am Ashamed…

  1. love this! one thing that i used to be so anal about was my car. i never let any mess in my car. but now… the entire back seat is full of toys and melted crayons and goldfish crumbs. maybe the definition of perfect changes when you become a mom; i like to think it does!

  2. Awesome post. So real. I love it. And Toy Story 2 happens to be my favorite animated movie. So I love the Buzz Lightyear picture. And I LOVE you!

  3. HA! i read this…and i am commenting! 🙂 but i just wanted to say that i don't think it is just moms. i totally relate to the whole "what has happened to me" question. i feel like it was just yesterday that things were SO different. now i look around and realize that i am 31, a dad of two, married for 6 years…and of course there is never a true "transition" into all of these separate roles.anyways. we are truly all in this together! …to infinity and beyond!ps. tell brandon to man up and go to the doctor.

  4. That's so true! We are not in control at all, as much as we want to be! Life with kids has a way of changing that in us! It's the "Tyranny of the Urgent" – have you read that??? It puts it all into perspective – God has a much bigger picture than the little things in life that we want perfect (like my house)! I'm glad that God is showing you that – enjoy the process even though it is hard!! Love you!

  5. Best post ever. I have so many things like this.Right now my kitchen window is so dirty it barely lets in the sun- so what do I do?…..Keep it finely shaded most of the day.Thanks for the great reminder- I have to allow my self to let some of this go. You ROCK!!

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